Haven’t wrote in awhile because sometimes i just can’t write down how and what I am feeling. Its hard to explain what I want to express because of so much mixed emotions. Today was also like that cause I found myself questioning and thinking about many things. I’ve always had a shell around me because of what I’ve been through and gave faith to many people that let me down. Even now trying to write I can feel myself not lying but not being able to express my true feelings.I’m merely just saying my general feelings, but not my true feelings is a way to say that. But everyday I’m still a happy person-just with many distraught thoughts.
Today was a day of mixed emotions. I woke still with the same negative thoughts in my head of what happened and wonder many things. But as the course of the day went along I am feeling more relaxed and happy. I find myself entertaining myself with video games when I should be doing something productive. I’m happy that the night end well and I got to talk with the person I love. I’m just hoping that sooner or later I can go a whole day without having doubtful thoughts in my head….
I am feeling much better…it started with getting to spend time with someone I care and love with all my heart. I believe that day by day if things keep going well like they did today, my belief in myself and others will grow. Even though I know people care for me and love me, I am starting to really trust it whole hearted.
I woke up disappointed today. Realizing that things are not the same anymore. I am not the first person or thought on your mind. My heart is starting to ache and feel tired. I am questioning myself more and more as every minute passes by. Even when sleeping I dream of the negative things that seems so real as if it had happened. I wake up not with great thoughts in my mind, but with sorrow and sadness. This heavy heart inside of me is weighing me down and causing me so much pain that I had hope to had never felt again…
I try everyday to better myself…not just for me but for the people important to me. Everyday I want to believe that my life good and that I am always happy. But I guess truly deep down inside I have many demons that still bothers me. I doubt myself so much that it leads to me doubting the people important to me. Till now at this moment I still feel this. I haven’t cried so long and can feel myself holding it back. Why do I do this to myself? I want to believe that I will always have someone there for me through thick and thin, but something keeps holding me back. Am I afraid of something? Am I forcing myself to be alone and pushing the people who care for me away. Am I being selfish without realizing what I am doing is hurting the people who cares for me.
My wish is to feel loved like I’ve never been loved b4.